Reflecting at 7:53 AM

Last night, I was allowed to sleep in my collar again. I asked her if I could, after we were very definitely ready for bed. She laughed and asked how many days in a row it had been. "Three, so far," I answered.

"Go ahead," she said. I got it and felt that familiar submissive buzz rise up within me as she closed the buckle. My crotch responded by hardening in its place.

That was it for the kink last night -- just putting my collar on -- but good god was it good. Waking up in the middle of the night, finding it still encircling my neck is a powerful reminder. I even worked out with it on this morning, since our oldest spent the night at his grandma's house and the younger two don't usually get themselves up. It was nice, feeling the ring smack against my chest as I walked. Imagining her behind me, telling me the collar could not come off until I was done. Or smacking my ass every time I stepped down off the Wii balance board. Or Or or....

All this thinking has me thinking back to when this started. I even went and found the original e-mail I sent to her and read it again. I'm so glad I mustered up the courage to hit the send button on that one!

For those who don't know, here's the brief version of how it all began. One night while she was out with her friends two years ago (a not uncommon occurrence, it usually happened once every other week or so), I was at home and still very much in the habit of surfing porn, masturbating and then playing games until either she got home or I was too tired. That night we had been texting back and forth pretty heavily and she had me horny and expecting sex when she got home, so I wanted to be sure I didn't ruin it by cumming. I tied a small silk bag around my member (more symbolic than anything) and started looking at porn. My desire to not cum found me looking at male chastity sites. And getting very excited.

The texting continued. At one point, she said that she felt she was too tired so I said she could just owe me a hot scene (which I detailed for her what I wanted, very much a femdom scene) and I wouldn't expect her to do anything that night. She agreed and I finally let go my self control and had a very powerful orgasm. Afterward, I spent a little while longer reading through stories on Altarboy's site and then went back to playing games until she got home.

When she got home we laid in bed and talked for a while, and I told her that I'd been looking at male chastity devices and managed to mumble out the question, "If I bought one would you play along with me?"

"Sure," she answered. The fantasy was so hot, the fact that she accepted it so much hotter, that even though I had already cum once just an hour or so before she was able to stroke me to release and we slept great.

I ordered my belt the next morning. By the middle of the next week, it had arrived. I spent a few days in stealth submission, wearing the belt on my own, getting used to it, finding the incredible power of it all... that Thursday, she went out with her friends again and after an imagined scenario (I was collared, cuffed and belted and was told I would not be getting release unless I scrubbed the bathroom ceiling to floor) I was so hot and into it I wrote her an e-mail.

I put a lot of thought into it and wanted to be sure it wasn't too pushy and wasn't about femdom, but about FLR. After I wrote it I stared at it a long time, reading and re-reading it. Was it too much? What would she say? How would she react? I hovered my mouse over the send button for a long time before I finally closed my eyes and forced myself to push down with my finger, sending it off.

And immediately having to fight the urge to go delete it from her e-mail.

I took a few deep breaths and distracted myself by playing a game before bed.

The whole next day, I anxiously awaited her saying SOMETHING about the e-mail... but nothing. I helped her clean the house, and then I went off to a concert with my cousin. Right before I left, she told me she had read the e-mail and we would talk that night.

I enjoyed the concert but the whole time I couldn't stop thinking about what she might say. I managed to get through the night without seeming too distracted and then when I got home we talked. After a long discussion she finally understood what I wanted and said to me, "Like I would say no." Those five words sent us on a journey that neither of us have regretted and has brought us amazingly close over the past two years.

So in my reflections, I realized I never actually shared that e-mail. This was at a point that my ability to talk about something so deeply personal as a lifelong fantasy was hard for me to do face to face, so that's what I'm talking about at first. And when I say she doesn't owe me, I'm talking about that big scene that I'd gotten her to promise me that night a week prior.

So, mostly unedited (names removed obviously, although I really did sign it the way I show), here is the e-mail which started it all:

I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you all day… both in a sexual and non-sexual way. I’m just gonna kinda ramble and then I’d like to take some time with you to talk about this stuff another time (not just through e-mail) too.

The first thing I want to say is that you don’t owe me. I know that seems weird coming from me (I was really looking forward to it) but it was wrong of me to ask you to do that. Well, not wrong as in I shouldn’t be asking you to fulfill my fantasies, but wrong in that I was being very selfish about how I wanted you to do it.

As I’ve been reading through some very interesting material the last few days, I’ve come to realize that being submissive means that I should be putting your desires first – and I’ve decided I really want to be submissive (hence all the extra housework). Not because I think I’ll get something out of it, not because I want to be your complete slave (fantasies aside), but because it truly makes me feel better to be doing things for you.

There’s actually a term for what I did – it’s called topping from the bottom. By laying out the whole scene, I was actually the dominant one, even though in the scene I was tied up. Instead what I want is to submit to you – whatever that means (whether it means you just want a backrub and some sleep or if it means you want teasing or you want to tease me or you want to be tied up). I want our love making to be something devoted to you – not something about fulfilling unrealistic fantasies I’ve picked up from too much porn and too much masturbation.

I realized its very hard for me to open up about this (hence the e-mail instead of waiting until I can just talk to you about it). Its not until I’ve read about other people’s real (healthy) relationships that I’ve realized that what I want isn’t some leather-clad whip-wielding wife to control my every move, but instead I want to shower you with affection and make you feel like a Goddess.

There are so many things running through my head right now but I want to lay out exactly what I am hoping to achieve through this e-mail:

1) To really communicate why I’ve been trying to do so much more for you the last week
2) To tell you that I want to dedicate myself to serving you – whatever that means (even if it means throw out the bondage stuff and we only make love from now on)
3) To make it easier to talk about these things with you
4) To help us build more trust and communication about sexual desires

What I don’t want is for you to think I am trying to change you or trying to change our relationship into something extreme – I want you to know that. You are my everything and I just want to show you that every day for the rest of my life by making you feel like a Goddess.

I love you my Goddess, I want so much to talk to you about this.

Love,

Your dedicated servant